Remember your friends often
love to you all

You know, Bruce, I always thought it'd be great to be approached by an alien life form and be asked to take them to my leader, because my response would be: "Duude, no wonder we believed you were superintelligent beings, you came straight to me!"
It's the classic gag. "No, no, I'M the Doctor. Yeees, it's all those other people that are crazy..."

For the last couple of months, I wasn't so sure about that anymore.

Thanks, Bruce, I need the encouragement, maa'n. All my shit is not in it's togetherness, and way past due. It's an interesting, difficult, and quick journey. (that will hopefully make a great book! whoo!)

btb: if an alien asked you to take them to your leader who would you go to?
ask your kids how E.T. felt about meeting the president

Unfinished serial Juice – Bar scene segment

Guido man: Just shut up you stupid bitch!

Hooker: I’m stupid!? The fact that I haven’t left is only case you got. And besides, it’s better to be a bitch than someone else’s…you’ll have to just take my word for it, sweetcheeks.

Guido man: Let’s stick to the ones you gettin’ paid for ‘uh?

Hooker: I’m just saying if you want to make it look less conspicuous that you had to pay a chick to put up with you - and that was actually here on their own free will – maybe…to suck the gold chains off your neck or something … you’d get a little more respect, if you gave any…

Guido man: (grabs her wrist) I said shut the FUCK up or you’ll be promptly reminded this temporary employment doesn’t cover what happens when you out why Bruno carries a fork. (Bruno brandishes a fork, guido man tightens grip) Got it, bitch?

Hooker: (very scared) Got it. Please. I was only saying that… (Bruno brandishes fork again)

Guido man: Damn, bitch, when I stick my dick in you mouth later, is your pussy gonna start talkin’?


_______________________________

In tribute to a work in progress, I call this piece:

LINDSEY LOHAN SPEAKS OUT!

Today:

a large hairy barechested homeless man in the right lane gesturing utter disbelief that his wasn't getting his point across to the two chihuahuas dancing atop the grocery cart...
i believed him

revisited employment hell
but got a great interview right after...
3 flippin weeks from now

had a large amount of misinformation and dismisinformation

a lot good hellos to a lot of great old friends

even one call to tell me mamet was on t.v.

i read aloud

it was humid

we all slept happily ever after

goodnight, ladies

Too funny for just the comment column from the almighty one:

Friendship is like pissing your pants.
Everyone can see it,but only you can feel its true warmth.
Thank you for being the piss in my pants!


Back at ya for giving me some of my own, Bruce!

Friendship is also like pissing in the wind.
It's usually not over once someone gets hit.

hee

Good things are happening.

I don't care what the FUCK those other people say.
If you believe one ounce of what I say, you'll know.

Just take it.
It's there, and I'm inclined to think it's fleeting.

Love to all,
tell me something nice,
and I'll post something sweet about you twice,
D

where'd you find it?

Thanks, boys, you know how much I love you both.

JayC " Did I drink the last one? I'm sorry! "
That's okay.
JayC " I feel bad I come over here and drink all your soda and I'm stealin' Joel's cigarettes... "
Are you doin' with a smile on your face?
JayC " Yes! "
Then it was worth every penny.


Worth every fucking penny, jace.

And that goes for the rest of you -
Not a single one of us was raised to let ANYone down - especially yourselves - and you know that you won't - so unless someone else is performing their first clean comedy routine to their in-laws from SLC tonight...then I lovingly suggest that if I can do it, you can to:
stop your bitchin'
and be happy
dammit

fuckin' hippies

i called joel outside tonight to look at the air
it was overcast - i noticed it earlier rolling in as i was doing laundry
it had started to become darker like rain, but once joel had come home
it had become an orange hue very like the eyes of hurricanes but much lighter
a dust haze was my first guess - lotta shit in the air normally during the summer months and it was thick -
dumbass didn't think of smoke -
joel and i watched the major network channel that shows jeopardy - then later heard on the radio in the car that there were 12,000 acres on fire 50 miles N of Vegas-
dumbass broadcaster said she couldn't find out more about it by watching TV to tell us anything, ahem.
smoke - hazy, of course.
joel and i saw another enormous wildfire near cedar breaks nat. park on the way home from UT - then we set off some perfectly harmless fireworks in Moapa (they were snakes, perfectly, harmless- and really fucking cool)
my whole trip back home was fantastic- and joel was right to be pissed at me when i wasn't enjoying myself - it is beautiful country - and tastes mighty fucking delicious - i've got some funky tan lines to prove it!
hope everyone had a good rockin' fourth -
mine was nuts -
great to visit - great to be home again

Well, HELLLO 33!

Screw you eso, 30 may not have hurt, but 33 is damn painful!

Happy Birthday shout out to all the Cancers in da house!

I'm outta town as of tonight, so have a good Fourth of July, suckas!
Boom, boom!

Pump up the volume: movie vs. song; Christain and Freedom Rock!

Bruce mentioned the good OLD SCHOOL days and the movie "Pump up the Volume," I felt bad because I have always wanted to see it, but never have. That doesn't make me late for class though, does it?
DUDE, I don't go a week without jumping up from the computer suddenly to dance in the middle of my kitchen to the song "Pump up the Volume" by Marrs.
That's old school, too. Right?

I also hate that I haven't caught it cause I like the actors.
I've always wanted to bang Samantha Mathis. She was in Jesus' Son which was a movie based on a novel by a guy named Denis Johnson whom I had never heard of until I went to hear him read his poetry at my college and then bought and read everything he had ever written. Samantha was up for an Oscar for In America (also missed), but to be a total chick: I wasn't broken up she didn't get it. I prefer older actresses to win, and she wore the most surprisingly awful dress that made HER look like crap.

And I love Christain Slater, too! As an actor, as a person, as a total hottie, as a SNL host, as a ...community service police car washer - oooh! MUCH sexier than washing dirty towels at the YMCA (don't ask)
I've always liked him and he is just as much of a crazy bad boy now.
Last year, he was in the news because at a party he fell off paris hilton's roof after getting tasered.
Now, THAT'S my kinda guy!

rock on!
and KNOW the ANSWER
to "hey man, is that FREEDOM rock?"

"Well, turn it UP, man!"

Frank, I have to admit I thought the superhero test was a little silly,
but that was before I was

IRONMAN!

(I'm a SUPER Gengus! Whoo hoo! "S-M-R-T!")

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man 95% Wonder Woman 75% Spider-Man 60% The Flash 55% Catwoman 50% Supergirl 45% Superman 40% Hulk 40% Green Lantern 40% Batman 20% Robin 20%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

In finally transcribing my boxes of files, I found this old bored-in-class scribble that gave me a little tickle.
1992, Intro to English Literature (111 ENG, required) , I had already studied Donne and Shakes sonnets at that time, so though now forgotten, timely forgivable fucking off.


The Strongest Silk


His lips are of luscious color, a fine red wine,
tempting me to indulge in the pleasures of taste.

Eyes of polished cherry, smooth and refined; bright as an odd marble.

His leg sculptured no less of a Roman statue, as strong and smooth and
caressable as the wooden replacement.

Toes of rough and knotted joints, revealing tales of a rugged life.
Unattractive and foul to the world, I glad would hold them close to my breast
and kiss all four.

Atop his head is graced with the sun of all days,
for a scalp of such beauty should never be tainted with burdens.
A shining orb beckoning the touch of my every fingertip.

An eyebrow of the most fine and fair.
Children gasp at its sight, only I gloat.
No other power could create such a perfect, continuous line.

The most grand possession of my beaut-
A gorgeous diamond, once his mother’s.
He holds it safe and fast, so no one dare thieve.
Fear I have not of a lover eyes with crossed before the stars, or his violent sneeze, as
One day the ornament will be my token of wed,
so promised he.

A heart of gold has my love, and with it captured my devotion infinite.
And the exterior, how much or less,
I love them all and I love them best.

Study hard, ladies.

Though my life continues to prove that you can get a second chance, I still don't believe it.

Be happy, mamas, it's all you've got.

my dad said to joel that he wasn't going to encourage the comedy because i'm not funny and to tell me he said so

tonight i performed stand-up at boomers - i did a solid memorized 10 minutes, and honestly it a good set but was lukewarm received -

happy father's day, everybody



p.s.- it really wasn't that bad - hope father's day was great for everyone!

Beethovan vacuumed.

FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY AND THE GRAND CANYON OF DOOM

This is the memory of a bride on her anniversary –
It is not over until you go back to work says joel-
I never made a more right decision in my life says me –

Joel and I thought it would be fun to go camping at the Grand Canyon to celebrate the 1 year mark of our wedded bliss, but found that the South Rim holds little fun plus SUCKS all that you bring with you into it's commerce laden, information void abyss.

Why we waited until ravens the size of our cats to steal our cooler, I don't know, but Joel and I are never to return to Arizona. We have consistently had trouble staying there every time previously- always, always VERY strange, and just are going to cut our losses. Traveling through AZ to Utah to see his parents is fine as long as we are in the constant state of leaving it.

It was the oddest trip the two of us have ever experienced, and I gotta hand it to my husband – we lived through it brilliantly.

Everything turned out alright as we crossed the Hoover Dam, funnily enough, and we had a great time finishing off the champagne from our wedding that we had luckily left behind in the fridge by accident (the replacement champers was last seen in our crappy cooler that was suddenly missing the morning we left; the same damn cooler that we were actually going to replace before the trip because last we used it, I about broke my neck slipping on it's leakage when we finally made it into our cabin on our honeymoon during a power outtage...)

ANYWAY- we had a great time eventually.

Thank you to all of the nice words and thoughts from everyone.

And another shoutout to all of you that helped make us possible.

My concern is that I keep hearing conflicting observations from my fellow marrieds on the institution. I had always been told that the 1st year was the toughest, then the 2nd then the 5th, etc. Joel and I had a brilliant 1st one, so now we're a little wary!
We still like each other and have quite a bit of hoo-hoo, so we are just going to ride the wave and give the next newlywed couple our own advice.

What I'm waiting for is to find out how many flipping years it's going to take before I can remember the wedding without wanting to scream, see another wedding without wanting to scream, learn another irritating detail about the bachelor party without taking a life, or drive by Celebrations (dress), Magic (dress alterations), Michelle's (flowers), Cashman (photos) without wanting to hurl a BRICK through their front window.

I can certainly say that as much as I DO NOT believe in marriage, I sure am nuts about that man.

Love and happiness to all,
Deanne

whoo smokies!i've always loooved that james marsden!

FBI seeks stolen personal data on 26 million vets
Gonzales, VA secretary say no indication of misuse
- CNN
Looking up articles, I was surprised when I saw this headline was from today.


anway, referring back a blog or so to the Pentagon frames
i was a lot rambling but meant only that the information being released back into the public is now reusing it's own media circus interest, american idolization. Even hunter said that if his opinion that the us gov. was number one to gain from the attacks was considered less credible, coming from a drug-riddled gonzo journalist such as hunter s. thompson, he considered it more of a problem of theirs and would stand by what he wrote the day of 9/11.

da vinci code's not my bag - i always joked in the south that i didn't want to enforce a book that i couldn't file under fiction or non-fiction

but same goes for the ones you can't

As always, Joel and Frank are waay ahead of me.
Send on some more flix suggestions my way though, Frank.
I can never remember WHAT I've always complained I couldn't find!

Some good movies that I've just seen -
I admit Joel and I just got Neflix, but wouldn't you know it all these GREAT films pop up on TCM just two weekends before -

THE KILLING
Titled as the best 'film noir,' one of the first movies directed by Stanley Kubrick
Awesome!

A KISS BEFORE DYING
Robert Wagoner is HOT, plus he throws Paul Newman's wife off a building and totally blows you away as a villan.

DESTRY RIDES AGAIN
This has GOT to be the movie in which Blazing Saddles is based upon!
Too hilarious! I had seen it years ago and just by luck Joel and I were sitting at our computers and it came on TCM. Marlene Dietrich's character is this film is a dead ringer for Lilly Von Schtupp (sp?).
Our favorite line: "I just want to be a cowboy, and wear my own pants!"

And for any of you out there playing at home, PLEASE send in your suggestions for other good movies. Netflix is going to be my new MySpace until I get Joel's money out of it!

Thanks!
Happy watching!

(and whose going to see the new X-Men film and why do I feel I was born to have no choice?)

i don't know if the idea of putting reagan on a coin is a joke or not but joel mentioned that in order to be put on money you have to be a founding father - or a war president - i asked if it could be that easy, the almighty dollar-
"because it would be more likely a bush" he said "franklin was the only one that wasn't president, and all others were war presidents,"
washington, grant, jackson,
Lincoln
revolutionaries,
civil war

what denomination do you think best fits President Bush
joel wondered who they might replace,
because not likely they would create another numeral for currency
an AMEROdollar, would be me just being silly, but
my husband remembers when he use to work with tender and the bills allowed went from a 50,000 dollar bill limit to $100 - high limit money used to exist and was eliminated - well, that would certainly help out the economy, if Bush ends up bringin' back the big bucks! right?

700 FBI officers were deployed to the Pentagon to gather and secure evidence. Upon researching biographies I believe some of the victims were amnesty, but not many. I found there were a handful of strange memorial descriptions that only mentioned why and what they were doing there that day. 2 young black officers that were on their way to be stationed in VA., but were suddenly reassigned after a short time in Seoul, last actually seen in Seoul, another young black man who was about to graduate in 3 days with his Mircosoft Tech Certification, he was dispatched to the Pentagon for technical support for computer problems by the company BHG, or BTG - a 22 yr old kid without a degree, military background, or training, or clearance, is called into fix one of the nation's top gov. information systems when it goes on the fritz - okay

jeez- that last one was getting a little negative - but it was a sudden realization of ours last night when we watched a prominent democratic representative advocate invasion of privacy - he certainly knows damn well whose checking up on his finances -

ANYWAY, so they released the NEW VIDEO OF THE PENTAGON....
it's gonna get real nasty, boys and girls

on a lighter note I learned of the new images on Heraldo!
He was talking about In Plane Site.
Joel and I thought he was a good man for getting the word out even if it's Heraldo and hokey, but only thought that he was fluffing the journalism and showing NEW footage that we had seen already on the documentary.

NOPE the government released the film - not just the handful of slides that THEY had released earlier (apparently just not officially!)
If you can believe this - the original shots were numbered 11, 12, 15, 18 and had the date stamp of 9/12/01 - I can show you, but the film doesn't have the time and date running like they were in the stills that were non-officially released

heartbreaking is that the size difference is very clear - won't take long -

also, heartbreaking is what

MSNBC reported in it's final paragraph
"Cheryl Irwin, a spokeswoman for the Pentagon, said the families of the victims of the Pentagon attack were consulted before the videos were posted on the Pentagon's website."

I looked back at the beginning of the article
HEADLINE: Pentagon attack that killed 189
then checked the tally they listed again
59 and 5 hijackers were killed
125 were killed IN THE BUILDING

in the only wing that was being renovated, there were no bodies recovered, and all the footage of cadaver/rescue dogs show them sitting around bored.

aside from i used to work in the aerial industry- the mounting issues started to just recently REALLY get out of hand with the trial of the accused conspirator (forgive i'm not leaving the blog again to look up how to spell his name, sorry)-
what a wangled teb we weave - what i didn't get is why there was so much falsified evidence submitted during the ...trial - a lot of cell phone call transcripts just came out of nowhere, plus wreckage photos that showed damage, and advanced rust weathering that couldn't have happen in that location
the chance of a cell phone working at that altitude is .0004% - PROVEN so there...
the first ever photos of wreckage of flight 93 in a FOREST when we all watched a vacant field with a big black hole in it for 2 hours-
i didn't understand if they were just an extreme token of sentiment to the people who lost their families, for solace, and answers-
it is ...just like the Pentagon families are getting now -

the government not taking responsibility for already the aired images of the Pentagon video they unofficially released means that IN PLANE SITE and LOOSE CHANGE are made to look libel and even less credible because of the inconsistencies in the date and time codes - and for not showing the whole sequence of frames -

even though all other security cameras from the businesses across the street have never been heard of OFFICIALLY or UNofficially since the Feds showed up and confiscated them right after the explosion

that trial may be over for the guilty Terrorist but served as a catalyst for this information to be manipulated, edited and re-edited, regardless of physics, ethics, or possibilty - and given back to us on Heraldo -

until what is real and what wasn't will be become so muddied that what really happened on 911 will be made not worth the journey to figure out - again

just like every other day
at least someone listens to Heraldo

colbert just said, "spellchecked by janenne garafolo"
and today i have a new god

so the President is caught commiting perjury on film again today, no big CNN headline- I saw it on the daily show
hey he got off lucky - he did not have to be called on the carpet
and define if sex is defined by fucking someone in the mouth
hell, he didn't even have to define god or even evil

howard dean - just explained how it was okay that the government should monitor our phone calls just the ones to al kiiIduh, not the ones to his grandmother -
i remarked that i had said clinton was a pawn -
i was asked just how high and how big

TYPING EXERCISE #1

Whoo! hoo! I'm a cherry poppin', mama!
this is my first time EVER using my very first laptop
HELL yeah!
it's the most fantastic pain in the ass
no shit, ha and also happy 4:20 as i happened to glance at the menu bar
to figure out what flipping program i keep accidently clicking on and why is it so LOUD?! geez!
i never thought i would actually own one - we aren't out of the hole yet, i do have a computer, shouldn't be above longhand, - but i tell ya - being stuck with a bad back and a shitload to do - i have yelled out that i needed one MANY times -
writing longhand actually isn't working out so well these days anyway, it's not easy flat on your back and it accumulates in too many different places until i finally get a chance to sort them out and type them - becomes quite deconstructive and time consuming - i am chick - saving time and paperwork and lower back, eh...
so i'm slowly getting the hang of it -

it was never so much the mouse square thingy that selects everything i finally get it to scroll it to - that i disliked so much about laptops
i never lked them beavus- beacuse of the keyboards. ugh...they are a LOT smaller. i'll leran learn to master it eventually - but i watch my hands when i type, so it's just going to take much longer to adjust to seeing the keys, and maybe complaining a little less, maybe

oh and by the way, know that your Typing teacher lied to you -
whether you look at the paper,screen with asdf jkl; or look at the keys with your fingers wherever you damn please (mine hover over both halves) actually has NO bearing on your typing speed
hand me a keyboard i'm used to and i'll prove it -
So, a little screw you shoutout to Mrs. Burleson for giving me shit 18 years ago, and i'll throw in a little thanks too because she randomly said my hair looked especially nice one day. It was a very sincere compliment that changed my demeanor and outlook on a class that intimidated the hell out of me. Younger than most in my own grade, typing was the first class i had in high school that had upperclassman. Okay, all upperclassman, i was the only freshman. when announcing our ages, the whole class erupted in jeers -when i said 14 -dudes teased that i was so dumb i said the wrong age, and the girls remarked to each other that i was lying. It was fun.
I was picked on, hated the class, and mortally shy. not many know me to be very shy -and though flattery will get you far - it was actually being treated maturely and with respect that made the impression and THAT'S what i never forgot.

that and her speech impediment...
a-s-d-elf space j-k-elf-semi-colon space

have a nice day and beware of typos

dude, i can only tell you that the man is blogging -
if i could actually make him write, i would have been a rich woman a looong time ago
but good hassle there, Bruce,
keep up the chatter - it seems to be working
hey, didn't you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approachin'?!
cause that fucker likes CAKE
make a wish and blow me for whoever gets to break my spanking record

dude - and there are worse things than even blogging while drunk and one would be blogging while unemployed -
gotta love the quick editing freedom though

leaving the job has been actually quite promising - i got interviews with the high end jobs i applied for- all starting at a higher wage - and learned quick - Vegas has a lot of beginning businesses, not a lot of experienced people with longevity in Vegas, and not a lot of professionalism - i am hoping to hear back on one i really want on friday. But if not, i have other interviews and i really just got lucky that it happens to be in high demand right now.
i honestly had no clue, yet wise to the industry well enough to know it isn't going to be changing anytime soon-
my dad always chewed my ass to find a decent profession such as start learning the mapping software and AutoCad, because he got lucky that as he got older he was now being fought over by rival companies - coming up through the ranks of the office and then into surveying - he became the most knowledgeable and presentable representative for engineering firms with survey teams - sorry, but i have the authority to say that he also has a strong advantage in the depths of Geeeorgia by not wearing flannel in the summer or gunning the crew truck in the parking lot.
i think he would really be proud after totally surprised, too

and i hope my mother will be pleased - fuck, don't forget Mother's Day, guys!- that not long ago, infuriated with the job, i was struck one day by the thought:
if my mother were treated in this manner, i would slap someone -
i should have walked away then

but things are looking good
i got job references from old friends that i had met working there, caught up,
got offers,
i'm not freakishly scared like i was when i wanted to leave and felt i couldn't
i'm not tethered to many things in my life that i couldn't help any longer
and most of all
i'm happy

best of everything to everybody,

but especially me
oh, and joel

in a totally unrelated story...
i caught joel blogging

I quit my job.

I am ashamed to admit that it was actually my integrity in the work that again made me snap for the final time. I am also ashamed to say that even in my resignation letter i was again explaining how important it was to operate legally with a current business license and still begging for someone to please give a fuck.
i said so many times that the place had broken me because of the ridiculous petty pieces of paper it caused me to eventually be praying for because i was in another state - i never intended to trip into taking it seriously - but in retrospect, i did tell everyone where and when to be in a situation that is more than normally important that it's correct because it involves people's LIVES.
I am very ashamed that it was the job number system breaking down AGAIN -a document still kept in pencil that was my limit.
Especially, when Joel raised a very valid point -
just what DOES that say about our national homeland security, boys?
very curious, indeed

along with a parallel misfortune with the janitorial service - again caused only by a paperwork travesty in Az. [uh,sic] - it's incompetance aptly described recently to my girlfriend as "files that couldn't be less fucked up if you had lit a match and set them on fire" - but left to me to very complicatedly and confrontationally through numerous people from the president of janiking to the single parent that wants to keep his job (& concerned for my safety at one point) while getting new quotes from all these numbnuts that take the pride of salesmanship over wasting my time while I'm calculating flight paths to sell me on bullshit options that i know the company will refuse to pay - though running thin on options

- i can also say that i hope no one holds it against me that at least i can muster some backbone for all the skirts out there that i have no problem knowing that there were lots more appt.s scheduled and there was no one to greet all those custodian callers -
and this time someone else had to figure out how to clean up a mess

sometimes things that actually aren't important are also not defined by who cares

sad that i've become such a paperpushing suck whore but i don't think anyone has been able to watch 5 years of hard work building something they were truly proud of rapidly fall apart without some feeling of loss

on a similar note - joel was proud of me for resigning from the theatre - it was also another mound of problems that was a job for someone else to clean up -

i was asked recently just what it was that, in consideration of recent times -
i truly wanted and what exactly do i have the means to secure
before what i want is not an option
i was a bit surprised that the answer had changed
the times have sped up or i have gotten older
whichever or both, but i'm much closer to the decision
than i knew

the best thing since the best sliced thing ya'll like

30 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

there's actually a clip of the other "man-god" himself reading his facts on ESPN on www.thesuperficial.com somewhere but they can't be as funny as the ones i've run into so far --

If anyone has any of their own - bring 'em ON, roundhouse ranger.
Hey if you can top Deanne's "ultimate chuck norris fact" at the bottom, then i owe ya a steak cause that one killed me for an hour solid.


COUPLE OF FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

3. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

6. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @#%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

10. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a stillborn baby lamb and brought it back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the lamb sprang back to life a crowd of the crew members gathered. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the lamb's head off its neck, just to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and huck
taketh away.

11. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

12. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

15. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

16. Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.

17. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

18. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

20. Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

21. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

22. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

23. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

26. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't @#%$ think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

28. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @#%$ Indian.

29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".


And some more...

-Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. ALWAYS.

-Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

-Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.

-Chuck Norris can start a fire with a magnifying glass. At night!”

MORE RANDOM CHUCK NORRIS FACTS THAT KIND OF SUCK
If Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down.
The way the wind blows depends on which direction Chuck Norris is kicking ass.
Chuck Norris' favorite food is pain.
Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris graduated high school with a 6.0.
When Chuck Norris takes a leak, a rainbow appears.
Chuck Norris is the reason you shouldn't mess with Texas.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is anywhere around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it.
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to use email or a cell phone. He only communicates through pain.
"Walker, Texas Ranger" does not have slow motion. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are just so fast they slow down time.
Chuck Norris plays laser tag with rifles.
Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.
Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonald's after 10:30.
Chuck Norris' feces smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris runs with scissors.
Chuck Norris does not age, he simply turns around and round house kicks time in the face.
God was created from one of Chuck Norris's ribs.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorisim.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt step on toes, he steps on necks.
Chuck Norris is Grendel's mother's mother.
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the stripper during a lap dance.
When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
If Chuck Norris could be any type of tree, he would be titanium


AND the ULTIMATE CHUCK NORRIS FACT current champion:

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

hell yeah!
thanks for the comments, mamas!
i finally got to catch up on the bloggies and was getting a little upset at the HUGE lack of the mention of my or joel's name, then i remembered that i should probably have something to fucking respond to
cool!

and i'll write that something some other time- honestly i'll write something of worth at a later date that's more coherent, it's just been a long fucked up day and a long fucked up couple of weeks and i need to take a serious mental dump - lacking sense - i don't write strream of conscienness well - to make two points...

so stop reading and the dump shall commence

let's see,
good things...
-joel will be hired on fully by the company he's been temping for, and getting the almightly insurance perk and a 3 dolla raise! whoo!

-i am one month clean! truly, i was the last person i would have thought to pick up a drug addiction, but i'm also the only person that i know that could kick it this "quickly" (sorry for the "", but with meth there's oddly no such thing as quitting a chemical habit fast. Fact.) but it's working out nicely. i didn't gain a shitload of weight, i can tell an immediate difference in joel's and my marriage, and (combined with the listed one below) really clarified my relationship with the las vegas little theatre

- uh, sure there's more good, but this isn't that kind of blog

let's see,
crapola extravaganza...
-in addition to scraping by to buy a house when we have to move in Dec, we now have to get joel another car - driving with the heat full blast to get his saturn home without overheating in gridlock vegas rush hour isn't going to be an option come 2 more weeks from now...according to crowded vegas desert time


- threw out my back reallllly fucking bad this last time - still now after 5 weeks it's still in the late stages of healing - i hadn't ever hurt it this bad - i couldn't move without joel: peeing, showering, needing that lighter waaaay over there, the whole works - my poor man

- the theatre - shameless self-defense BUT worse thing about the back - other than missing time at work, was screwing over my friend Megan as a result (and sheerly by accident as opposed to popular opinion, i've learned recently) as i was her back-up person for sound for JayC's naked baseballed showcase o' cockarama (though i wanted the new tech volunteer instead originally because i didn't have the time to begin with, sorry i can be a little self-serving, it's a defense blog)- so because of my crappy phone and lack of ability to cough without screaming in pain - i didn't know that my predecessor Heather's mom had died and i was needed to fill in though there's no way i could have actually done it if i had known right away, i lost a great deal of friends - and most hurtfully, a couple of them i really do regret losing
ah well, according to the myspace version, i "totally flaked on her just like everyone told her i would" (paraphrased) - so hate i missed the boat on explaining myself, but looks like there was a solid consensus in place already that i was a piece of shit so the meeting at the docks continued without my dictation as planned
nice to know i could live down to the theater's expectations of my worthlessness
'preceesh lvlt! - my time truly was not good enough for such a powerhouse of professionality, quality, talent and just damn fine business sense...seriously, you can check the files yourself: just go to sue's, frank's, walt's, paul's work, the trunk of any of their cars, and you find it...somewhere...eventually...and good fucking luck with that

- another worse thing about my back - they gave me 3 meds i'd never heard of and one called Orphenadrine for spasms made me SICK as HELL on WHEELS that shake and vomit - never had a medicine make me that ill before - my hands shook, i felt sick ALL the time, it jacked me up (which wasn't good timing) and you could tell by the way i was smoking, normally don't smoke 'em much when i'm sober- and the most strange thing ... i could taste liquids the same. coke tasted like flat, thin water and beer like liquid grass acid - it was weird - i took it for a week and had to stop cause it just got to the point where i couldn't hold anything without looking like a crack addict because i was so jittery - 2 damn weeks it took for me to begin to feel normal again (with the exception of my back in severe stabbing pain with no painkillers, fun fun, fun) BUT, strangely I'm also thankful cause it kept me off the drugs while jacking me up through the period of standard massive weight gain that follows during the detox process

- stepping away from the theater had been on the agenda for quite sometime as had stepping back from the straw and mirror - funny that being forced to stay away by default because of my back really killed to birds with a big heavy painful stone -
can't say i was shocked that my interest in being ridiculed for not volunteering enough or properly at the theatre was put very quickly into perpective without the drugs to motivate the masochism
i don't have the desire to act, am pursuing stand-up, just entered marriage and live in closer than healthily feasible quarters, have to find 3 or more side jobs freelance writing, have to commute 2 hours a day to a job that i can't stand due to the rampant incompetance of the company, worry about my grandmother that just went into a nursing home, have to buy a car and somehow afford to buy one within the next 2 months, have to buy a house somehow also afford with a miracle by dec., support the household, rehab my back, PLUS on top of being the ticking 32 yr old woman that i am - planning on when to start a family and somehow afford that.
i think the theatre can find someone else to get bitched at for trying to help a non-profit that gets kicks out of shooting itself in the foot to then scold me for not fundraising the $7,000.00 they'll need to pay the rent this week and not being a better secretary to the titanic of an administrative blackhole it has become over the last 15 or so years before i tried to clean it up
yeah, hell, they are right, i'm not good enough to handle that job - i hope the next person in the long, long line of panting candidates dying to be the theater's little worthless bitch will have much more fun being a secretary to a failing business for free
most secretary's agree that the money is really not that important when you get to be honored with indentured servitude and patronization as you wait to be handed everything too menial for anyone to care about...like having an actual lease to sign for second city who has been renting the place for over a year now without one cause everyone's too busy blowing the money on a nice $2,000.00 closet.
yeah, it's someone else's job now - they couldn't possibly do it any worse than the person actually did before me, or more shitty than i was told, had told, and was normally emailed minutely at WORK to be reminded so

damn, that felt good-
i should have been in bed forever ago now
don't care so much though
i'm late filing my ass in da covers -
it's the best i could end administrative professionals day
jeez, worthless never yawned so mighty tomorrow

good night lovers

why in the HELL do i let myself type when i'm drinking?!
geez, i sound like the biggest goober
well, this is my "goober domain" as mr. hicks would say

just my luck, i get clean (and heavier) right when the weather is gorgeous and i can't get in and out of a car because i severely pulled something in my back - not strain - this is the worst time i had with it, too - got great medical professionals though (yeah, i still can't believe it and i was there)
but typing and working and being able to stand up to do stand up - i'm taking in stride - they gave me shit meds too - but to each his or her own - all drugs have different effects on different people - all i know is it still hurts like a mutha - and i'm actually glad to go back to the job (holy shit, i can't believe i just typed that - yep) cabin fever when you can't write except long hand and that's actually the major problem - or even worse cabinet fever if untreated will spread into closet plague - and i'll have nothing to wear -

being away from work and the theatre have actually been a godsend, joel and i got caught up on a bunch of things we really needed to do- still didn't hit the comedy routine like i should, but it'll come
strangely joel and i doing fantastic - especially for the close quarters we share - and the back pain in the ass that we're both having to dealng with -
cutting out some of the dead weight in my life for just a short period - made me realize again just why i am here and what i do it all for -

it is to be funny, and with joel
sucks, i married the only prick that is better at being funny than me, just by dropping his pants-
but i did the other night say something that made him burst into laughter, he choked and gasped "are you trying to kill me?"
of course it's goober sweet - but for me, the best feelin' in the world is getting people to laugh - and there's nothing more beautiful than joel happy

ah well, hope everyone is cool - i'll let ya know when i go up again- should be soon, but for now - i gotta recline -
this sucks - i feel like such a whiny bitch compared to what frank went through-
stay awesome cause i ain't got time to patrol these days -
oop! jeopardy's on!

That B.A. in English up there really was just a piece of paper -

yesterday, i graduated college

today, i quit the extra curricular activites

tommorrow, i throw out the funnel

have a good one, guys - on me
it's time - it's waaaay the FUCK past Miller Time

****
for bruce:

it's a iron law, most chicks that don't like the c-word, are one.

and ONE more for the cheap seats:

yesterday the second sentence out of the mouth of sound tech i just met was "Ohhh, not the c-word! don't you use the c-word!" i told her that 80 percent of the women that hate the c-word are one... she didn't think it was funny.

tonight - she proclaimed again across the parking lot "that's not the c-word is it?" and everyone joked "c-word? oooh, what's the c-word?"
I replied "Christain".

%%%

hey, i'm killin' the smokers and the red hat ladies, and the smokers and the uncontrollable shakers -

class dismissed

to stella

there needs to be a double d dance pahtee like there's no tomorrow, dena -


anyhoo, joel's gotta fantastmo j-o-b and we's a TCB'n as it comes and as we can handle it.
i had no conception of marriage prior, but the most simplistic description i can give so far is i didn't exepect identity to be so important -
not personal or collective, but identifying the experience itself -
objectivity is a difficult and strong as hell virtue,
and highly underpromoted outside of my marriage

i am still really struggling with the stand-up
just not buckling down like i should
got a place to practice -
but as i told megan - it means nothing if i doesn't lead to anything
it didn't hit me so hard as to when i recently skipped a practice night
i felt guilty cause had nothing yet was again sitting there not working on it
joel turned to me and said it's okay cause it's just to do it, cause your doing just to have fun and not like a career...

smacked me hard - cause i do -
i see no other point - i was hoping that i could learn a lot about marketing and promotion when i began being in charge of (some of) it at the theatre -
i realized i was going to have to build it either way -

stinks cause i haven't put my nose to the grindstone enough -
that proof needs to stand -
up and up fo' sho'
joel saw me once and i bombed like hell
no practice -
gotta prove a lotta shit -
like ya don't have the single life of a 24 yr. old just moved to town anymore, so deal with figuring out how you're gonna work around your conditions and go grab that fucking mike
stuff like that

trying to minimize the outside factors in my life that have become negative
i used to be happier
with myself
and that's just pathetic

until i have enough greenback
for a guy with a towel
around his neck
to tell me i can
do it
do it
do it

or just tell me i'm pathetic

for needing a guy with a towel

which is cool too

'night champs...

no typos for u
y o y

so joel's and deanne's gonna be alllllright

joel just got a kick ass job opportunity today that made both of our forefingers cross in retrospective elation

love the boy
love all of you

his mother brought up (at Estella's Denny's) that we had to make good on our bet

yes, of course, we both said "huh?"

she said that "yes, when deanne starts doing stand-up again, you start painting again"

i feigned a "FUCK YEAH!!! I REMEMBER NOW!"

pisses me off daily that he need not even pick up a brush
as i watch him paint perfect circles around me
simultaneous,counterclock-wised, ambidextriously
perfect circles from a stationary position


and here we are
that's where
mary tyler moore don't know dick about beret tossin' after all
cause that's where from
to cause that's where to



-in memory of Gavin McCloud
oh capt'n
my crazzzzy capt'n

FIRST BLOG ON THE WAR IN IRAQ!!

and

DEANNE'S $20 MINI-CORPORATE CHALLENGE

(this is VITAL to ANY discussion on the war, whether you want to win $20 or not! )

I'm overdue on this subject and way behind everyone else, so here goes.

I have quite an opinion on the situation in Iraq, but I must begin at 9/11.

Deanne's credentials and the $20 mini-corporate challenge:

As some of you may or may not know, I am a flight coordinator for an aerial mapping company. Basically, I make flight plans and flight maps for a living, every flippin' day.

So understandably, I know a little more than most about the rudiments of air travel, just by default.

Last year, I was given a DVD with a documentary that focused on all actual footage of the crashes and their aftermath. I was floored that I was looking at the same images that ran incessantly over and over after 9/11 and had never ONCE paid attention to the actual flight details.

Not willing to take my own experience as absolute truth, I gave copies to my photographer, my GM, and our pilot (who was prior a mechanic and pilot for Boeing) - and begged them to please prove to me that what I was looking at was not true.

Not one of them could do it.

Luckily, someone made a better quality documentary than the first one I was given, much more straightforward. The big drawback to trying to share information like this is that most are so fervently opinionated that it's projected you are trying to discredit their political beliefs.

It's taken me over a year to find a way to pass along what I have found so people will actually watch it and not just assume I'm peddling left wing propaganda because I'm a chick.

So, I created the $20 mini-corporate challenge.

I sent the email (paraphrased) below to EVERY client and company contact I knew in all of our fields: other mapping companies, engineering firms, all rival flight crews (about 45 people all directly involved flight industry knowledge).

+++++

Deanne's mini-corporate challenge offers $20! to the person who can watch the download below

and answer only 1 of the 2 questions.

This is a challenge concerning ONLY technical flight information.

NO other views or opinions apply, just physics.

Below is a link to just part 1 of a 9/11 documentary - (voted the best 9/11 documentary to date). It is a large file, so please be patient.

PLEASE NOTE:

Warning some scenes are very graphic.
This film deals with physical events ONLY, facts ONLY.
There are NO politics or political opinions offered or discussed.
The only footage used is the actual LIVE TV COVERAGE aired on 9/11, from CNN and other networks.

http://question911.com/linkout.php?filename=Loose Change - A Documentary on 911 Part 1

Question 1

How long can a 3% flight angle be maintained without leaving a mark on the ground?

Question 2

How can a Boeing 757 be vaporized by heat upon an impact?

+++++++++++

Over 45 people,

experienced people,

not a one of them could do it....

Of course, it's possible that none of them watched it.

But I'll never know.

Simple physics, neither are possible.

^^^^^^^^^^

in other thoughts, i remember the time i visited NYC - i stood in the between the towers and stared straight up at them into the sky - instantaneously the height just from the ground made me feel sick and unexpectedly nervous, as the first thought that snapped into my mind was,

"if those things were to fall, it'd be the biggest domino effect in history"

even put it in my stand-up routine

glad i was wrong, i guess

Galileo's Law of falling bodies...

i never once had the same thought standing at the base of either of the 2 desert inn casinos i saw freefall

well, that's one reason to kill your husband!
he TOTALLY told me that I had not posted my drunken blog from ...
well, ...whenever the hell new years let me get near a computer!
ah well, no one ever said joel WASN'T sinister,
and that's true (except for me, but word associate "wife" and contradiction seems a good pasttime off-season)

from the beginning of the year, what does your computer history hold?
if you logged your searches, interests, porn, what are you looking at this 2006?
interesting?
hope fucking so.
cause getting ready to do comedy and being married seem to be the least researched or locally sought out information - so my procrastination and voicemail do not say so lately and very not loudly...

ah well, no one speaks of love much
i understand though, it's kind of gross and completely boring
especially if you hang out at my place
soo...

i pass the torch back to the year I met my husband
to someone else
and for anyone who remembers laughter:


"Franny sent me a story. A short one
with all kinds of improper grammar
usage and sarchastic wit... I begged
her to come out to Las Vegas. So we are
traveling across the country together,
in a Uhaul that doesn't have a
functional gas gauge or engine for that
matter and we are broken down on the
side of the road with 5 dollars between
the two of us. This happened in Utah.
I'm going to marry this lady. I knew
this around the time she arrived at the
airport in a wig. To say she's a
brilliant actress would be an
understatement equivelent to "Hitler
was a mean man". I kiss her feet on a
regular basis. I would eat glass for
this woman. I am nothing more than a
pimple on the ass of the earth in
comparison to Franny. Her name rhymes
with Fanny. I had to kiss her. There
was no choice in the matter. Fate? Stoli? It's hard to say in retrospect,
but I know that I love her to death and
it will take a legal restraining order
to keep me from gazing in her direction
at every moment. The thing I love
about her the most is that she hates
this shit and wishes people would stop
fawning over her. But she has no
choice in the matter. There is a small
tribe, just north of the Nomo, who have
molded a statue in her honor out of
clay and dung beetles (there aren't any
Pat Catans in Timbuktu). It really
doesn't look like her but she humors
them and smiles when they show her.
She's kind like that. And she'll
correct your spelling errors in a love
letter with red magic markers and send
it back to you. She's done this to me
several times... I keep coming back.
Some day I'll tell her about the camera
in her bathroom. She hasn't noticed
the sign above her shower head that
reads "please play toward the facet".

now that
is sweet...

Looking over the (admittedly) most beautiful site I had ever seen
and made more than a handful also see
in Vegas

was also how was

the year 2006 rung itself in

on the booming strip - Pacific style...
....

and then later...
....

In the fall of 2002, I was rolling around book titles including
If you chose to do nothing, at least do it well

This morning 2006, a gift from my old FedEx guy, the best 9/11 site to date, upon checking the source bio, I was met with their motto:

“If there’s anything worth doing. It is worth doing right.” – Hunter S. Thompson

and then another link to again a knockout info site, the first download began:

“People who shut their eyes to reality, simply invite their own destruction.”
– James Baldwin

I listened to the words of those authors years ago (funnily enough simultaneously spring & fall semester 1996), my abstract literarily snared identifiable: the malaise of the present and the call of the wild future, and now again here I am with the same two guys heading websites that would have never meant the same to me if I had not made the decisions that I have.
I work for an aerial mapping company, as my past mentors again prelude the sky.

I knew well before and after approach that I made a transition entering this new year.
The past few years in particular have been met with blind and beautiful uncertainty, with slews of coincidences erratically popping up months later to indicate my making the right choice, coupled with the blantant many: that I really didn’t have a choice at all.

This year it’s not questionable.
Ringing in 2006 was the first time, I began with no doubt.
Obstacles aren’t passing through limbo anymore, actually some are even being met instantaneously with decision- almost as if they’re not passing through my hands first.
For lack of an other expression, or feeling,
i'm willed.


I’m guessing this is what we owe it, baby.
I'll guess...
This is what we owe it, baby.

“you were my first kiss of 2006, and I will never forget it.”

Neither will anyone else.

Just you wait.