I've finally come to the point where I don't harbor the past negativity within myself. I'm not mad at myself anymore. I'm not blaming myself anymore. I'm blaming HIM! I wouldn't have changed anything. I wouldn't have said anything different. I wouldn't have done anything different...except probably fucked him one last time. I didn't really love him. That prick.

"When going to a party, overdressing is always the key. If you feel out of place, just tell everyone you have someplace better to go after."
-Queer eye for the straight guy

"You need to have security, power, and wealth. 'Cause I can do bad by my goddamn self." - Lil' Kim


"You change too often." - Hallward
"Ah, my dear Basil, that is exactly why I can feel it. Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." - Lord Henry
(there is no underline for blog, so) "
The Picture of Dorian Gray" - Oscar Wilde

Knowing this doesn't change circumstance. Only I can (I'm not a fool), but when I come home to myself, embrace my pillow at night, and turn to nothing and say "wasn't that cool?" makes all invalid.
When can the future override the temporal?
It doesn't often enough.

I could stay where I am and be jammin', but it's not good enough for me. I am never good enough for myself.
Why is ambition or at least, the recognition of "betterment" so fucking taboo?
My Outward Bound leader (not a gay camp, mind you) said that you should never be comfortable with stability. In the woods, I accepted that. I still do.

I don't really know what my point was other than I'm frustrated.
I've been hurt, I've compromised, I've dealt, and I still ache, still strive, still want...

Something.

I think I'll get it.

What choice do I have?

Note to bad sitcom writer: Not everything autobiographical is funny. When it's ripping off everything already done, it belongs in a cliche not in a show. We don't care that you're a sad little man. We care that you don't realize you suck... and you're a sad little man that doesn't know he sucks. You are lucky people pay you. Leave it at that. IF your life is a cliche, please treat it as such. That just may make the experience more funny for the viewer, but I doubt it.

The later you stay up the more you learn. The later you sleep the more you forget.

I actually stayed up so late last night that I enrolled in Las Vegas College.

Unsent letter

What I am writing you now means nothing to now. Trust me. Please understand, I just want you to know. This is not for closure. I hate that fucking word. “Closure” is for people who still want to get laid and can’t deal. This is not that. I just felt that you should know.

I know why we made the choices we did. Whatever it meant to you is what it meant to you. I was in love then, and I still am…with the memory. And that’s what it is – a memory. It took me a long time to have an epiphany. This still changes nothing.

In Ireland, I would have dropped out of college at one word from you – you know that. I remember the conversation that I had with you in Clifton. You said in the booth across from the Swedish guy and his British girl “What am I going to do? Marry you? Move there and be a janitor?” – Those were some good sandwiches.

And then New Year’s Eve in Belfast, bending me against the counter begging me to move to Nottingham to be with you.

And then last night we were together. “You know how we both feel about each other.”

And I also remember the sound of your voice when I told you that I wasn’t coming to London after I graduated.

I had made the decision too. For me - I would graduate, make up a another major to continue college so I could have a student visa to live 2 hours away with no transportation from a guy who could not say he loves me.

These are the things I remember.

Funny, how an epiphany can come so late.

You would have been miserable in Wilmington, as I had grown to be, once I graduated.

I could have never moved to London. Though I was going to, I loved you so much. I did pay for the enrollment and was accepted, but I can’t think of any other option now other than the one that I had taken. Maybe I didn’t go because I was afraid. But I do remember asking myself , “Am I willing to change everything for someone who can’t tell me he loves me?”

What were the choices though?

You would have been a janitor in North Carolina or I would have been (yet again) a waitress in London. We would have hated and resented each other either way. Of course, we are where we are now. That is what was supposed to happen. I have no regrets ever. It was just nice to finally let go of the fantasy and see it for what it would have turned out to be. Why it took so long? I wish I could give it more dignity than I couldn’t let it go.

I’ve had nothing that I haven’t compared to you. I never will. The only person that can beat you is the one that stays.

What we had (to me) was torn apart by circumstance and I would assume unconscious wisdom, but I will never forget it.

And I don’t try.

I've changed my mind.
"Why, does it work better?"
-Mae West

"Nothing makes one so vain as being told one's a sinner." - Oscar Wilde