the best thing since the best sliced thing ya'll like
30 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS
there's actually a clip of the other "man-god" himself reading his facts on ESPN on www.thesuperficial.com somewhere but they can't be as funny as the ones i've run into so far --
If anyone has any of their own - bring 'em ON, roundhouse ranger.
Hey if you can top Deanne's "ultimate chuck norris fact" at the bottom, then i owe ya a steak cause that one killed me for an hour solid.
COUPLE OF FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @#%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
10. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a stillborn baby lamb and brought it back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the lamb sprang back to life a crowd of the crew members gathered. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the lamb's head off its neck, just to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and huck
taketh away.
11. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
12. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
15. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
16. Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
17. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
18. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
20. Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
21. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
22. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
23. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
25. One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
26. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't @#%$ think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
28. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @#%$ Indian.
29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
And some more...
-Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. ALWAYS.
-Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
-Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
-Chuck Norris can start a fire with a magnifying glass. At night!”
MORE RANDOM CHUCK NORRIS FACTS THAT KIND OF SUCK
If Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down.
The way the wind blows depends on which direction Chuck Norris is kicking ass.
Chuck Norris' favorite food is pain.
Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris graduated high school with a 6.0.
When Chuck Norris takes a leak, a rainbow appears.
Chuck Norris is the reason you shouldn't mess with Texas.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is anywhere around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it.
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to use email or a cell phone. He only communicates through pain.
"Walker, Texas Ranger" does not have slow motion. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are just so fast they slow down time.
Chuck Norris plays laser tag with rifles.
Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.
Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonald's after 10:30.
Chuck Norris' feces smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris runs with scissors.
Chuck Norris does not age, he simply turns around and round house kicks time in the face.
God was created from one of Chuck Norris's ribs.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorisim.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt step on toes, he steps on necks.
Chuck Norris is Grendel's mother's mother.
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the stripper during a lap dance.
When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
If Chuck Norris could be any type of tree, he would be titanium
AND the ULTIMATE CHUCK NORRIS FACT current champion:
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
hell yeah!
thanks for the comments, mamas!
i finally got to catch up on the bloggies and was getting a little upset at the HUGE lack of the mention of my or joel's name, then i remembered that i should probably have something to fucking respond to
cool!
and i'll write that something some other time- honestly i'll write something of worth at a later date that's more coherent, it's just been a long fucked up day and a long fucked up couple of weeks and i need to take a serious mental dump - lacking sense - i don't write strream of conscienness well - to make two points...
so stop reading and the dump shall commence
let's see,
good things...
-joel will be hired on fully by the company he's been temping for, and getting the almightly insurance perk and a 3 dolla raise! whoo!
-i am one month clean! truly, i was the last person i would have thought to pick up a drug addiction, but i'm also the only person that i know that could kick it this "quickly" (sorry for the "", but with meth there's oddly no such thing as quitting a chemical habit fast. Fact.) but it's working out nicely. i didn't gain a shitload of weight, i can tell an immediate difference in joel's and my marriage, and (combined with the listed one below) really clarified my relationship with the las vegas little theatre
- uh, sure there's more good, but this isn't that kind of blog
let's see,
crapola extravaganza...
-in addition to scraping by to buy a house when we have to move in Dec, we now have to get joel another car - driving with the heat full blast to get his saturn home without overheating in gridlock vegas rush hour isn't going to be an option come 2 more weeks from now...according to crowded vegas desert time
- threw out my back reallllly fucking bad this last time - still now after 5 weeks it's still in the late stages of healing - i hadn't ever hurt it this bad - i couldn't move without joel: peeing, showering, needing that lighter waaaay over there, the whole works - my poor man
- the theatre - shameless self-defense BUT worse thing about the back - other than missing time at work, was screwing over my friend Megan as a result (and sheerly by accident as opposed to popular opinion, i've learned recently) as i was her back-up person for sound for JayC's naked baseballed showcase o' cockarama (though i wanted the new tech volunteer instead originally because i didn't have the time to begin with, sorry i can be a little self-serving, it's a defense blog)- so because of my crappy phone and lack of ability to cough without screaming in pain - i didn't know that my predecessor Heather's mom had died and i was needed to fill in though there's no way i could have actually done it if i had known right away, i lost a great deal of friends - and most hurtfully, a couple of them i really do regret losing
ah well, according to the myspace version, i "totally flaked on her just like everyone told her i would" (paraphrased) - so hate i missed the boat on explaining myself, but looks like there was a solid consensus in place already that i was a piece of shit so the meeting at the docks continued without my dictation as planned
nice to know i could live down to the theater's expectations of my worthlessness
'preceesh lvlt! - my time truly was not good enough for such a powerhouse of professionality, quality, talent and just damn fine business sense...seriously, you can check the files yourself: just go to sue's, frank's, walt's, paul's work, the trunk of any of their cars, and you find it...somewhere...eventually...and good fucking luck with that
- another worse thing about my back - they gave me 3 meds i'd never heard of and one called Orphenadrine for spasms made me SICK as HELL on WHEELS that shake and vomit - never had a medicine make me that ill before - my hands shook, i felt sick ALL the time, it jacked me up (which wasn't good timing) and you could tell by the way i was smoking, normally don't smoke 'em much when i'm sober- and the most strange thing ... i could taste liquids the same. coke tasted like flat, thin water and beer like liquid grass acid - it was weird - i took it for a week and had to stop cause it just got to the point where i couldn't hold anything without looking like a crack addict because i was so jittery - 2 damn weeks it took for me to begin to feel normal again (with the exception of my back in severe stabbing pain with no painkillers, fun fun, fun) BUT, strangely I'm also thankful cause it kept me off the drugs while jacking me up through the period of standard massive weight gain that follows during the detox process
- stepping away from the theater had been on the agenda for quite sometime as had stepping back from the straw and mirror - funny that being forced to stay away by default because of my back really killed to birds with a big heavy painful stone -
can't say i was shocked that my interest in being ridiculed for not volunteering enough or properly at the theatre was put very quickly into perpective without the drugs to motivate the masochism
i don't have the desire to act, am pursuing stand-up, just entered marriage and live in closer than healthily feasible quarters, have to find 3 or more side jobs freelance writing, have to commute 2 hours a day to a job that i can't stand due to the rampant incompetance of the company, worry about my grandmother that just went into a nursing home, have to buy a car and somehow afford to buy one within the next 2 months, have to buy a house somehow also afford with a miracle by dec., support the household, rehab my back, PLUS on top of being the ticking 32 yr old woman that i am - planning on when to start a family and somehow afford that.
i think the theatre can find someone else to get bitched at for trying to help a non-profit that gets kicks out of shooting itself in the foot to then scold me for not fundraising the $7,000.00 they'll need to pay the rent this week and not being a better secretary to the titanic of an administrative blackhole it has become over the last 15 or so years before i tried to clean it up
yeah, hell, they are right, i'm not good enough to handle that job - i hope the next person in the long, long line of panting candidates dying to be the theater's little worthless bitch will have much more fun being a secretary to a failing business for free
most secretary's agree that the money is really not that important when you get to be honored with indentured servitude and patronization as you wait to be handed everything too menial for anyone to care about...like having an actual lease to sign for second city who has been renting the place for over a year now without one cause everyone's too busy blowing the money on a nice $2,000.00 closet.
yeah, it's someone else's job now - they couldn't possibly do it any worse than the person actually did before me, or more shitty than i was told, had told, and was normally emailed minutely at WORK to be reminded so
damn, that felt good-
i should have been in bed forever ago now
don't care so much though
i'm late filing my ass in da covers -
it's the best i could end administrative professionals day
jeez, worthless never yawned so mighty tomorrow
good night lovers
thanks for the comments, mamas!
i finally got to catch up on the bloggies and was getting a little upset at the HUGE lack of the mention of my or joel's name, then i remembered that i should probably have something to fucking respond to
cool!
and i'll write that something some other time- honestly i'll write something of worth at a later date that's more coherent, it's just been a long fucked up day and a long fucked up couple of weeks and i need to take a serious mental dump - lacking sense - i don't write strream of conscienness well - to make two points...
so stop reading and the dump shall commence
let's see,
good things...
-joel will be hired on fully by the company he's been temping for, and getting the almightly insurance perk and a 3 dolla raise! whoo!
-i am one month clean! truly, i was the last person i would have thought to pick up a drug addiction, but i'm also the only person that i know that could kick it this "quickly" (sorry for the "", but with meth there's oddly no such thing as quitting a chemical habit fast. Fact.) but it's working out nicely. i didn't gain a shitload of weight, i can tell an immediate difference in joel's and my marriage, and (combined with the listed one below) really clarified my relationship with the las vegas little theatre
- uh, sure there's more good, but this isn't that kind of blog
let's see,
crapola extravaganza...
-in addition to scraping by to buy a house when we have to move in Dec, we now have to get joel another car - driving with the heat full blast to get his saturn home without overheating in gridlock vegas rush hour isn't going to be an option come 2 more weeks from now...according to crowded vegas desert time
- threw out my back reallllly fucking bad this last time - still now after 5 weeks it's still in the late stages of healing - i hadn't ever hurt it this bad - i couldn't move without joel: peeing, showering, needing that lighter waaaay over there, the whole works - my poor man
- the theatre - shameless self-defense BUT worse thing about the back - other than missing time at work, was screwing over my friend Megan as a result (and sheerly by accident as opposed to popular opinion, i've learned recently) as i was her back-up person for sound for JayC's naked baseballed showcase o' cockarama (though i wanted the new tech volunteer instead originally because i didn't have the time to begin with, sorry i can be a little self-serving, it's a defense blog)- so because of my crappy phone and lack of ability to cough without screaming in pain - i didn't know that my predecessor Heather's mom had died and i was needed to fill in though there's no way i could have actually done it if i had known right away, i lost a great deal of friends - and most hurtfully, a couple of them i really do regret losing
ah well, according to the myspace version, i "totally flaked on her just like everyone told her i would" (paraphrased) - so hate i missed the boat on explaining myself, but looks like there was a solid consensus in place already that i was a piece of shit so the meeting at the docks continued without my dictation as planned
nice to know i could live down to the theater's expectations of my worthlessness
'preceesh lvlt! - my time truly was not good enough for such a powerhouse of professionality, quality, talent and just damn fine business sense...seriously, you can check the files yourself: just go to sue's, frank's, walt's, paul's work, the trunk of any of their cars, and you find it...somewhere...eventually...and good fucking luck with that
- another worse thing about my back - they gave me 3 meds i'd never heard of and one called Orphenadrine for spasms made me SICK as HELL on WHEELS that shake and vomit - never had a medicine make me that ill before - my hands shook, i felt sick ALL the time, it jacked me up (which wasn't good timing) and you could tell by the way i was smoking, normally don't smoke 'em much when i'm sober- and the most strange thing ... i could taste liquids the same. coke tasted like flat, thin water and beer like liquid grass acid - it was weird - i took it for a week and had to stop cause it just got to the point where i couldn't hold anything without looking like a crack addict because i was so jittery - 2 damn weeks it took for me to begin to feel normal again (with the exception of my back in severe stabbing pain with no painkillers, fun fun, fun) BUT, strangely I'm also thankful cause it kept me off the drugs while jacking me up through the period of standard massive weight gain that follows during the detox process
- stepping away from the theater had been on the agenda for quite sometime as had stepping back from the straw and mirror - funny that being forced to stay away by default because of my back really killed to birds with a big heavy painful stone -
can't say i was shocked that my interest in being ridiculed for not volunteering enough or properly at the theatre was put very quickly into perpective without the drugs to motivate the masochism
i don't have the desire to act, am pursuing stand-up, just entered marriage and live in closer than healthily feasible quarters, have to find 3 or more side jobs freelance writing, have to commute 2 hours a day to a job that i can't stand due to the rampant incompetance of the company, worry about my grandmother that just went into a nursing home, have to buy a car and somehow afford to buy one within the next 2 months, have to buy a house somehow also afford with a miracle by dec., support the household, rehab my back, PLUS on top of being the ticking 32 yr old woman that i am - planning on when to start a family and somehow afford that.
i think the theatre can find someone else to get bitched at for trying to help a non-profit that gets kicks out of shooting itself in the foot to then scold me for not fundraising the $7,000.00 they'll need to pay the rent this week and not being a better secretary to the titanic of an administrative blackhole it has become over the last 15 or so years before i tried to clean it up
yeah, hell, they are right, i'm not good enough to handle that job - i hope the next person in the long, long line of panting candidates dying to be the theater's little worthless bitch will have much more fun being a secretary to a failing business for free
most secretary's agree that the money is really not that important when you get to be honored with indentured servitude and patronization as you wait to be handed everything too menial for anyone to care about...like having an actual lease to sign for second city who has been renting the place for over a year now without one cause everyone's too busy blowing the money on a nice $2,000.00 closet.
yeah, it's someone else's job now - they couldn't possibly do it any worse than the person actually did before me, or more shitty than i was told, had told, and was normally emailed minutely at WORK to be reminded so
damn, that felt good-
i should have been in bed forever ago now
don't care so much though
i'm late filing my ass in da covers -
it's the best i could end administrative professionals day
jeez, worthless never yawned so mighty tomorrow
good night lovers
Thursday, April 06, 2006
why in the HELL do i let myself type when i'm drinking?!
geez, i sound like the biggest goober
well, this is my "goober domain" as mr. hicks would say
just my luck, i get clean (and heavier) right when the weather is gorgeous and i can't get in and out of a car because i severely pulled something in my back - not strain - this is the worst time i had with it, too - got great medical professionals though (yeah, i still can't believe it and i was there)
but typing and working and being able to stand up to do stand up - i'm taking in stride - they gave me shit meds too - but to each his or her own - all drugs have different effects on different people - all i know is it still hurts like a mutha - and i'm actually glad to go back to the job (holy shit, i can't believe i just typed that - yep) cabin fever when you can't write except long hand and that's actually the major problem - or even worse cabinet fever if untreated will spread into closet plague - and i'll have nothing to wear -
being away from work and the theatre have actually been a godsend, joel and i got caught up on a bunch of things we really needed to do- still didn't hit the comedy routine like i should, but it'll come
strangely joel and i doing fantastic - especially for the close quarters we share - and the back pain in the ass that we're both having to dealng with -
cutting out some of the dead weight in my life for just a short period - made me realize again just why i am here and what i do it all for -
it is to be funny, and with joel
sucks, i married the only prick that is better at being funny than me, just by dropping his pants-
but i did the other night say something that made him burst into laughter, he choked and gasped "are you trying to kill me?"
of course it's goober sweet - but for me, the best feelin' in the world is getting people to laugh - and there's nothing more beautiful than joel happy
ah well, hope everyone is cool - i'll let ya know when i go up again- should be soon, but for now - i gotta recline -
this sucks - i feel like such a whiny bitch compared to what frank went through-
stay awesome cause i ain't got time to patrol these days -
oop! jeopardy's on!
geez, i sound like the biggest goober
well, this is my "goober domain" as mr. hicks would say
just my luck, i get clean (and heavier) right when the weather is gorgeous and i can't get in and out of a car because i severely pulled something in my back - not strain - this is the worst time i had with it, too - got great medical professionals though (yeah, i still can't believe it and i was there)
but typing and working and being able to stand up to do stand up - i'm taking in stride - they gave me shit meds too - but to each his or her own - all drugs have different effects on different people - all i know is it still hurts like a mutha - and i'm actually glad to go back to the job (holy shit, i can't believe i just typed that - yep) cabin fever when you can't write except long hand and that's actually the major problem - or even worse cabinet fever if untreated will spread into closet plague - and i'll have nothing to wear -
being away from work and the theatre have actually been a godsend, joel and i got caught up on a bunch of things we really needed to do- still didn't hit the comedy routine like i should, but it'll come
strangely joel and i doing fantastic - especially for the close quarters we share - and the back pain in the ass that we're both having to dealng with -
cutting out some of the dead weight in my life for just a short period - made me realize again just why i am here and what i do it all for -
it is to be funny, and with joel
sucks, i married the only prick that is better at being funny than me, just by dropping his pants-
but i did the other night say something that made him burst into laughter, he choked and gasped "are you trying to kill me?"
of course it's goober sweet - but for me, the best feelin' in the world is getting people to laugh - and there's nothing more beautiful than joel happy
ah well, hope everyone is cool - i'll let ya know when i go up again- should be soon, but for now - i gotta recline -
this sucks - i feel like such a whiny bitch compared to what frank went through-
stay awesome cause i ain't got time to patrol these days -
oop! jeopardy's on!
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