Sorry, Sherry. Here it is.
Now you know where they go.

10/01/03
I have my share of external complications to turn away from and ignore, yet I continue to engage in incessant internal dialogue addressing ones that haven't happened. I'm not truly arguing with myself. I construct an entire existence where people I know are chiding me or questioning me. Alone at home, walking through the grocery store, pretending that I give a shit at work, I keep going. An alternate existence playing just above the surface of what is real. As I go through my day, people who I see (or foresee) a conflict with are constantly prodding me with hypothetical debates. I look as if I am working, shopping, cleaning, driving, but I'm sorting out my differences with other people I know. It makes very little sense. I've done this for as long as I can remember. Of course, some people replay past memories to satisfy the unsatisfiable urge to tell themselves, "Yeah, THAT'S what I should have said!" Maybe that is where it comes from. This projection of future defenses that may come about. I will be prepared. They never do though. I never am. The challenges are never predictable. I never say what I wished I had later. I'm much more effective when edited. I am only grasping at why this is. Practicing my defenses, my reasons and motives for feeling why I do. It's absurd. My machinations exceed what most people would be brazen enough say (or question). The real ones always knock me over. An acceptable retort to reality rarely happens. Or if they do, I rarely remember them. Unfortunate some can only let go of the truth when blind stinking drunk. (Hey, I'm not pointing fingers. kay?)
Am I just practicing my responses? Or am I justifying myself to myself? It sucks either way. It is a form of planning to be spontaneous or having to convince my own mind of its convictions. I supposed it's not too crazy to doubt my own beliefs. I am a crazy fucker. Analyzing me with me doesn't really do the trick. I get nowhere because I have a hard time taking my own advice that I can so easily force onto others without even seeing the connection. It's a little frightening that I need displacement to talk to myself. Interact with people I know in fictitious conversations in a fictitious scenario. They are real to me. This is what I would do, yeah, that sounds good - that's right. Am I so separated from my own psyche that I must criticize the self from another's perspective, make my thoughts objective, only to find I agree out of defense? Or do I just want to be prepared? If the latter, regurgitated response to negative stimuli I guess could be better than slapping my forehead later and saying, "That's not what I meant at all! fuck." Am I trying to make myself look good, trying to have already established a great verbal stance, or just trying to do damage control for a potential situation that will most likely never happen. Don't know. But it takes most of my time. You all positively challenge me to be creative and progressive as I can't seem to do for myself at times. As appreciative and happy this collage of writing, interactions, and togetherness has brought me. I still sit here, arguing, trying to beat non-existent skepticism.
I hope I can win.