I went through 15 years of memories today. Pretty impressed with myself that I was able to narrow down 10 boxes to 4.
It's a very fitting phrase for the closing of this year, "Ya know, John, the older I get the less I care." (referring of course to the past, but then again - maybe a quite a bit to the trifles of the present)

Many interesting surprises of early talent leaped from oodles of college learning.
The only impressive stuff was what I had written in between the mountains of notes. My own thoughts were the only things that truly withstood time. Laughing out loud alongside remembering very vividly just how bad..., this was the first time that there were no wounds opened - it didn't hurt - I didn't care that it was gone.
I am just happy that it had been there.

A great deal of reminders of why the other night was so much fun - none of it existed anymore. Just me. That's me. And that's me now.

Sure, - all those pictures, clippings - I was a hell of a lot cuter with a lot more potential, but still not smart enough to not be in a lot of pain.

Yeah, I'm older now.
But for all of the critical theories and authors lost - I actually gained paradise.
No Virgil on this trip - just pages and pages grabbing my hand - pulling me through my own realms of my own experience - my own forgotten subjectivity.
All it took was not knowing where to look and forgetting to look behind me
because, for so long, I couldn't convince myself - that's where it never was.

A year of so many epiphanies and this Christmas - so quickly - a multitude of resolutions served to me with such ease -
worn, yellowed, tattered, and strangely EAGER-
dusted off open ends of all the torturous thoughts of then and what if and why, you fucking fool -
mended by mere sight, touch -
a final understanding that I was never allowed to see before - until now -
as if waiting all this time to burst open and show - that it's possible now
- to be - now- closed, ALL OF IT closed, now filed, and so so full.

A very long journey in the wrong direction being completed by merely turning around.


It was worth it.


Plus I can get back into some really jammin' dresses.
(Ah, girls...hee)
They are as wrinkled and full of stories as I - but I can have them again.
And not be sad.
That was worth it too.


Nothing can be bad that has brought me here.
With you.
With you all.

Here's to a good New Year.
For all of us.

I'm due.