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30 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

there's actually a clip of the other "man-god" himself reading his facts on ESPN on www.thesuperficial.com somewhere but they can't be as funny as the ones i've run into so far --

If anyone has any of their own - bring 'em ON, roundhouse ranger.
Hey if you can top Deanne's "ultimate chuck norris fact" at the bottom, then i owe ya a steak cause that one killed me for an hour solid.


COUPLE OF FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

3. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

6. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @#%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

10. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a stillborn baby lamb and brought it back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the lamb sprang back to life a crowd of the crew members gathered. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the lamb's head off its neck, just to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and huck
taketh away.

11. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

12. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

15. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

16. Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.

17. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

18. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

20. Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

21. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

22. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

23. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

26. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't @#%$ think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

28. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @#%$ Indian.

29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".


And some more...

-Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. ALWAYS.

-Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

-Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.

-Chuck Norris can start a fire with a magnifying glass. At night!”

MORE RANDOM CHUCK NORRIS FACTS THAT KIND OF SUCK
If Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down.
The way the wind blows depends on which direction Chuck Norris is kicking ass.
Chuck Norris' favorite food is pain.
Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris graduated high school with a 6.0.
When Chuck Norris takes a leak, a rainbow appears.
Chuck Norris is the reason you shouldn't mess with Texas.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is anywhere around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it.
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to use email or a cell phone. He only communicates through pain.
"Walker, Texas Ranger" does not have slow motion. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are just so fast they slow down time.
Chuck Norris plays laser tag with rifles.
Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.
Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonald's after 10:30.
Chuck Norris' feces smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris runs with scissors.
Chuck Norris does not age, he simply turns around and round house kicks time in the face.
God was created from one of Chuck Norris's ribs.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorisim.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt step on toes, he steps on necks.
Chuck Norris is Grendel's mother's mother.
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the stripper during a lap dance.
When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
If Chuck Norris could be any type of tree, he would be titanium


AND the ULTIMATE CHUCK NORRIS FACT current champion:

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.